I remember shortly after I had my first child, and someone said to me “enjoy these early years, because before you know it, she’ll be a teen and she’ll want nothing to do with you”.
Those words scared me for years!
I went on with my life, and enjoyed being a mom. I relished taking my baby places and sitting on the floor playing with her. Before long, I had my next two children; 2 little boys. I was enjoying life with 3 little ones. The laughing, the silly play, the park visits, the messes; I loved all of it!
Then, one day, when my parents were visiting, my mom jokingly said “just wait until they’re all teenagers”!
Once again, these words scared me. I was loving being a mom to little ones, but the thought of having three teens in my house at one time, was overwhelming!
The years crept up on me and I found myself enjoying the teen years before I actually realized I was now parenting three teens. I love being a parent to my teens! I cannot count how many times I’ve been asked how I manage to have healthy relationships with all 3 of my teens.
Unfortunately, there is no set formula for how to enjoy the teen years. It seems different for each family. I’m going to share with you some observations that I’ve made while parenting my teens.
As they mature and change, so does your relationship with them. I think there are many important things to remember when it comes to parenting teens.
The basics of what our teens need from us, as loving parents, hasn’t really changed all that dramatically from when they were little. They still want to know that they are loved(even when they’re grouchy or hormonal). They want our support and attention just as much now; they just don’t always know how to let us know that. Teens still need to feel safe and have their physical needs met(food, clothing, warmth, etc).
I think that one of the things that too many parents forget is that our teens DO still want and need us in their lives. Our role in their lives may have changed, but it doesn’t diminish the importance of being actively involved in their lives. One way to make sure to maintain a healthy relationship with our teens is to become actively engaged in whatever matters the most to them. For me, that has meant that I had to become a “theater mom” as that became my daughter’s obsession during her teen years. This did not come easy to me, as I know NOTHING about theater or how to be a theater mom, but it has become extremely enjoyable nonetheless. We have bonded over theater, who knew?
My oldest son is obsessed with martial arts, namely Jiujitsu. Although this is something that I find ridiculous, I do listen to him talk about it. I watch endless hours of videos he shows me on different techniques. This weekend, I will be going to a tournament to watch him compete(and pray he doesn’t get knocked out). Although he knows I’m not a big fan of Jiujitsu, he also knows I am HIS biggest fan! He knows that I will always support him. I am confident that this has helped to maintain our relationship.
FOOD is my next secret to having deep meaningful relationships with my teens. When I feel like there is something on one of their minds that they’re having a hard time sharing with me, I sketch out a one on one time with them. If I ask one of them if they want to go to the coffeeshop, or out to lunch, or out for ice cream, I’ve noticed that they never say “no”! Almost always, these little one on one short dates result in the teen sharing some personal issue or thoughts they’ve been having. These dates are precious to me and keep communication open with my teens.
I’ve also come to realize that my role is no longer that of telling them what to do and solving all of their problems for them. They no longer want to follow my lead in everything I do, but they want me beside them in what they’re doing. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to sit back and watch them make a mistake. However, this is how they learn. They want to prove themselves. They want my advice. As long as safety isn’t an imminent issue, I allow them to make their own choices. The same motto that I used when they were young, applies now “choose your battles”.
My teens don’t want to be treated as children anymore. They want to make choices on their own. They want to be able to form their own beliefs and values. They may take a stance on a subject, that I don’t agree with, and it’s ok(healthy even) to agree to disagree. They also want responsibility.
I don’t wash their laundry for them; if they want clean clothes, they have to wash it. If they want to invite friends over and have the house clean, they need to clean it. If they want money to go out with, and they’re short on funds, they have to earn money from me, I’m not just going to give it to them. If they want cell phones, they have to pay their monthly bill. I find the more responsibility they have, the happier they seem(I’m not sure why exactly, but it’s true in our home).
I’ve also found that late nights are when they each seem to open up the most to me. I make it a point to stay up later than everyone else each night. As the kids slowly retire to their rooms for the evening, and the littles are in bed, I sit in the living room reading or writing. Almost nightly, one of them plops down on the couch and we start chatting. Sometimes it’s important heart to hearts, and sometimes it’s slap happy nonesense. Whatever it is, I’ve made it known, that I’m always available.
During these late night convos, I’ve been asked many personal questions. Questions I didn’t necessarily want to answer. I decided to just always answer them honestly. I don’t hide the mistakes I’ve made. I admit to choices I’ve made in my past that I’m not proud of. I’ve also shared the lessons I’ve learned from these mistakes and that every action has a consequence. I don’t share them because I’m proud of them, but in hopes that they can learn from my mistakes. As parents, we can’t be intimidated by awkward conversations and questions. Let’s face it, the teen years are full of awkward feelings and questions, and if we can bumble our way through these talks, we’re laying a permanent foundation of openness and trust.
Parenting during the teen years won’t always be easy. Transitioning from dictating to coaching isn’t always easy, but failure to do so can cause irreparable damage to your relationship with your teen.
What are some of the ways you find to keep communication open with your teen?
I have a 19 year old. Sometimes she gives me a hard time when I ask or tell her something because she knows everthing but when she messes up we talk about it and move on. Over rhe years she has learned that I will be there for her though anything. She can call me anytime no matter what and I have promised not to freak out at least not right away.
I think that establishing the foundation for her knowing you will always be there for her is what is truly important!